Olive Oil Brownies

Wow. What can really be said about brownies? They are brown and taste like chocolate. Many children and other people like brownies because of their sweet taste and satisfying texture. They go very well with a glass of milk. Do you want to know why?

Because brownies have too much sugar in them. Like an insane amount. The brownies in this recipe are probably 60% sugar by weight. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why are you going to make the brownies? Don’t you care about your health? Don’t you care about living a long life free of diseases and sores?

Of course you don’t. You don’t care about anything. Just like my ungrateful son, Aaron, who loved these brownies more than he loved me and the rest of his family. Every Christmas — I swear to God — he’d come home from college and barge through the front door yelling, “CHOCAHOLIC ALERT!” like some kind of chocolate addict performing a home invasion.

Over the years, I became adept at smelling my son as he approached the house from several blocks away (yes, I am part of the 0.01% of the population known as “supersmellers,” which is a type of person who can smell really good and stuff) and I’d know it was time to set the variety of booby traps that I installed in the front yard and on the porch.

One year in particular, I went just outside the front door and hung what I thought was a recycled guillotine blade that I bought secondhand at Annie’s Attic in hopes that my unassuming son Aaron would, you know, see it and think that it was a funny joke. Boy, was I wrong! When that little brat showed up, he excitedly took it down and proclaimed that “the chocolate fairy had heard his wish.” Sigh. The thing turned out to be just an enormous bar of chocolate.

Still, like any good parent, I had to cook and clean for my son.

My dog Linus must have heard the commotion because by the time I finished destroying my computer he was barking very loudly outside my door. He always got excited when I woke up because he knew that I was about to feed him whatever I had laying around in my room from the previous night. Back in those days I was maintaining an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle sustained by my nightly use of DoorDash [PSST! Want $5 off your first DoorDash order? Use promo code HEARTYHAM when you create a new account and enjoy your favorite food anytime, anywhere!] and a large cigar collection, so I had plenty of old lettuce and ashes to feed him that morning.

I flung my door open and was shocked to see the real reason Linus had been barking: there in the darkness of my hallway stood an intruder dressed in a red suit with white trim holding a large sack over his shoulder!

“Who are you? What do you want?” I demanded, feeling a surge of adrenaline.

The intruder just smiled and pulled out a candy cane from his pocket. “Merry Christmas!” he said, and before I could react, he disappeared into thin air.

I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I was dreaming, but my dog’s persistent barking told me otherwise. I followed Linus down the stairs and into the living room, where I saw a strange sight. The entire room was covered in a thick layer of snow, as if a blizzard had blown through. My Christmas tree still stood in the corner, but it was adorned with icicles and snowflakes instead of ornaments.

Then I noticed something even more peculiar. On the couch, there was a large ham, glistening with glaze, and a note attached to it that read “From Santa.”

I shook my head, feeling as if I’d stumbled into a surreal world. But as I sliced into the ham and savored its delicious taste, I realized that maybe Christmas miracles really do happen. And even though I may never understand the intruder’s motives, I can’t deny that his gift of ham had brought me unexpected joy on that strange and wondrous day.

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