Hearty Ham

Y’all, I can’t wait for you to try this delicious ham recipe straight from hell! I can reassure you that it will have your stomach growling and your lips smacking the moment your kids smell the delicious ham on the stove! I have so many steps to share with you along the way and it’s gonna be complicated! But it’s SO worth it when the ham comes out of the oven. Just you wait and see!

It was a cold November morning and I woke up shivering on my bed made of straw. I sat up and yawned a big, BIG yawn and then rubbed my eyes as I peered through my curtains at the freshly fallen snow. “Snow?” I muttered to myself. “What’s the deal with snow?” That’s when I knew that I had to learn something about snow to quell the constant confusion!

I hurried excitedly over to my iMac and shook the mouse violently to wake it from sleep mode, but to my chagrin, the inclement weather from the previous night had knocked out my electricity and all my tabs were lost. Defeated, I reached for a screwdriver and began carving the word “SNOW” deep into the surface of the computer screen.

My dog Linus must have heard the commotion because by the time I finished destroying my computer he was barking very loudly outside my door. He always got excited when I woke up because he knew that I was about to feed him whatever I had laying around in my room from the previous night. Back in those days I was maintaining an incredibly unhealthy lifestyle sustained by my nightly use of DoorDash [PSST! Want $5 off your first DoorDash order? Use promo code HEARTYHAM when you create a new account and enjoy your favorite food anytime, anywhere!] and a large cigar collection, so I had plenty of old lettuce and ashes to feed him that morning.

I flung my door open and was shocked to see the real reason Linus had been barking: there in the darkness of my hallway stood an intruder dressed in a red suit with white trim holding a large sack over his shoulder!

“Who are you? What do you want?” I demanded, feeling a surge of adrenaline.

The intruder just smiled and pulled out a candy cane from his pocket. “Merry Christmas!” he said, and before I could react, he disappeared into thin air.

I rubbed my eyes, wondering if I was dreaming, but my dog’s persistent barking told me otherwise. I followed Linus down the stairs and into the living room, where I saw a strange sight. The entire room was covered in a thick layer of snow, as if a blizzard had blown through. My Christmas tree still stood in the corner, but it was adorned with icicles and snowflakes instead of ornaments.

Then I noticed something even more peculiar. On the couch, there was a large ham, glistening with glaze, and a note attached to it that read “From Santa.”

I shook my head, feeling as if I’d stumbled into a surreal world. But as I sliced into the ham and savored its delicious taste, I realized that maybe Christmas miracles really do happen. And even though I may never understand the intruder’s motives, I can’t deny that his gift of ham had brought me unexpected joy on that strange and wondrous day.

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